I always pictured myself as a mother of three, like the family I was raised in. I figured any husband would do. I felt I didn’t have much say in who he was. My mom tolerated my dad. To me, he was the most wonderful person in the world. I was daddy’s little girl.
Children model their behavior based on how they perceive their parents. I was a spitting image of my mother, Rose Elenore Paulian. My mom was smart as a whip with a great sense of humor. Everyone loved Rosie. She had a dark streak of depression. I inherited it or learned it. I was simply Little Rosie. Both independent minded, I chose engineering instead of being a nurse or teacher.
I started my career as a computer engineer working on the F-16 Fighter Jet in Fort Worth Texas in August 1981, Rosie died October 1st. I decided I wanted to be married. Three men appeared. I picked a sweet man named Mikel Joe Harris from Chanute Kansas. I admit, I married him for his mother, Ella Mae Lindsey Harris.
Mikel’s dad Robert was an alcoholic. I had no idea of the meaning “Adult Child of an Alcoholic”. This means there is some quirk caused by a dysfunctional family. Mikel’s quirk was to protecting the woman of the family from their father. This would be our unduing since he will eventually protect our daughter from me and my bipolar disorder.
It took a year to get pregnant due to my weight and nervousness. There were already problems in our relationship. I loved Mikel but we weren’t well suited for each other. I grew up middle class and Mikel grew up poor. We were friends and I thought highly of him. He was brilliant. We didn’t have much in common. I moved in too quickly and we never became soulmates.
I got pregnant in the fall. We took a car camping trip to Kansas, Mossouri and Oklahoma in our Toyota van. I was already feeling different. I got the news when we got home. I was the happiest I could possibly be. I had no sickness. I would sit at my desk at Tandy Radio Shack with my feet on a box and my hands feeling the baby. I smoked ultra light Carleton cigarettes.
After 9 months, I took maternity leave and waited 10 days for this baby to decide to be born. We had a false alarm. The next day, I could tell it was starting for real. We were watching Bill Cosby Fatherhood as I timed the contractions. Apparently, Mikel didn’t notice me doing this. I made hamburgers for dinner. At about midnight, I said it was time to go. We took showers and we set off on our 45 minute drive to the hospital in south Fort Worth.
To make a long story short, it took 25 hours for the arrival of Jessica Lynn. She was beautiful and had a smart look about her. She had Mikel’s light brown hair and Linda’s face. She is pettie whereas Linda is tall and hearty. Jessica is Pitta and Linda is Kapha. She is Gemini and Linda is Cancer. Her daddy was smitten. She is very difference from me and always challenged me growing up. She grew into a beautiful woman who is as smart as her mother.
Watching Jessica be born was something Mikel should not have seen. The love relationship with me was destroyed. It was a rough delivery and Mikel swore he wouldn’t put me through that again. Everything between him and I became centered on the care of Jessica. Adult Child made Mike ignore me accept to take care of Jessica. It sounds petty but I was really cut off from the marriage I started with.
When Jessica was three, Tandy Radio Shack spun off Tandy Electronics. It was sold to AST Computers in California. I transferred from the hardware Operating System group to the software DeskMate group. My new bosses were horrible to me. It turned out to be a Hugh mistake. I was tasked with an impossible job to get done my Friday. By Friday, I snapped and started crying uncontrollably. This PTSD episode caused my bipolar disorder.
(c) Copyright 2020 Linda Iggy Dean. All rights reserved.